One of my countless blessings in this lifetime has been the love, patience, and devotion of my love, Nick. At the time that my condition started, we had been together almost 4 years. One of the things I wanted in a life mate was someone I could rely on through the highs as well as the lows. I was not sure of how we would navigate through something so debilitating, and that Nick could lift me up in the way I needed.
Among the many things I allowed myself to fret about, I also worried about how my lack of being able to go out and be active would affect our relationship. For most of our relationship, we have been very active and on the run. We enjoy traveling, exploring big cities, bicycling, and running around doing mundane things together. However, at this point, everything was changing. I was more comfortable with staying home, lying on my sofa and watching TV just to avoid the pain and to avoid having to expend the energy to put a smile on my face. It was my preferred activity.
Knowing that Nick respects and needs a strong, independent woman, I worried that our relationship would suffer as a result of my “weakness”. However, every single night, he massaged my aching, throbbing arms and legs for as long as I needed, to be able to fall asleep. He never complained; he never cut the time short. He displayed more love, compassion and grace than I could have ever imagined receiving.
Nick and I have had a Saturday morning ritual, which means a lot to me. We wake up and meet at the local Starbucks for coffee or tea. We talk, laugh, connect, people watch, and enjoy our special time together. Afterwards, we venture off to walk around a few stores or find a garage sale or two to walk through. We enjoy doing everyday things together…the type of thing most people do with their spouses. With our separate family situations, we truly cherish our Saturday morning rituals. As my condition limited my mobility and desire to leave my home, it felt like one more thing I enjoyed was being taken away from my life.
One evening, as I was lying on my sofa, in immense pain and mental anguish, I was thinking about the impact of my condition, which left me feeling devastated. With every little bit of my normalcy being taken away from me, I was grieving the loss of my life as I knew it and trying to come to terms with a “new normal.” It was then that Nick came over to my home and suggested we head to one of our local department stores. When he suggested it, I couldn’t believe he could be so insensitive to my pain and inability to walk. I couldn’t even imagine doing such a thing and just wanted to stay home. But my love had a larger plan. He offered to push me around in a wheelchair and said it would be good for me to get out of the house. However, accepting a wheelchair felt like defeat to me. As an independent, strong-willed single mom of four, I was not accustomed to asking anyone for help or even allowing someone to help me. I have always had to prove to myself that I could do anything I set my mind to, and that I would do it swimmingly well. If I couldn’t ambulate myself, then I would choose something else I could do for myself. Unfortunately, at that moment in time, the most I could really do for myself was lie down, padded with many pillows, in fetal position with wrist braces and ankle braces wrapped tight. Accepting a wheelchair felt like I was losing more of my independence and my mind didn’t seem ready to relinquish control of that just yet.
I know my sweetheart Nick was trying to lift my spirits. He insisted and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Accepting his offer was a HUGE step for me. He took such wonderful care of me as he slowly walked me into the store and helped me sit down in the wheelchair. He was so loving and tender, making sure I was comfortable at all times. Anyone who knows Nick knows that he is out of this world silly. He makes me laugh incessantly. His youthful spirit and warped sense of humor are equaled by none. He wheeled me around Kohl’s as if we were in the Indy 500 with an obstacle course. It was like a thrill ride. For the first time in weeks. I was laughing out loud, squealing with joy, and truly living in the present moment. I was not thinking about what might happen in the future. I was not thinking about my current limitations. I was actually laughing!
After that, Nick suggested that we rent a wheelchair so that he could take me places and I could be out and about. I took him up on the offer. I remember pulling up to the pharmacy from where we rented the wheelchair. We parked at the same time an elderly couple parked next to us. I wanted to see if I could race the elderly couple, who looked to be around 90 years old, into the pharmacy. It was a very close finish but made me laugh.
Our next outing, which changed everything, was to Cleveland downtown. He took me downtown with our newly rented wheelchair, and pushed me around an event that was in the heart of town. He stopped wherever I wanted to stop, made sure I was warm with a blanket over my legs, and made me laugh with his silly stories as we traveled. He massaged my shoulders with one hand as he pushed the wheelchair with the other. He would randomly lean down and kiss my head or cheek as he was pushing the wheelchair. He ran his hands through my hair or would tuck my hair behind my ears. He repeatedly told me how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, and how incredible I am. He completely showered me with love, affection, attention, admiration, and everything a girl could ask for. He pushed me around downtown, pointing out sights and architecture and shared tidbits of information about Cleveland sports, various building projects, work, etc. Basically, he kept our conversation normal and showered me with love. We didn’t focus on the wheelchair, my inability to walk, or anything about my condition. He pushed me over a mile to find somewhere to have dinner, then back a mile to where we had parked. As basic as this night might sound now, in this blog, this outing changed something in me.
Those initial weeks and months, as I struggled through the depths of despair were defining moments in our relationship. Nick was my rock. Nick was the one who held me as I cried, who let me be vulnerable, who listened to my biggest fears and who reassured, comforted and soothed my breaking heart and my dimly lit spirit. Nick showed me a side of him I hadn’t seen before. He showed me that when I am weak, he would show up and step up consistently. He showed me how incredibly strong, loving, compassionate and devoted he would be. In every single word, action and deed, he lifted me up. He carried me. He fueled me and helped re-ignite my spirit.
Placing my care into the hands of others was an incredibly difficult but paramount step for me. Allowing myself to completely trust someone other than myself enough to care for me and for me to rely on was something I was not sure I would ever do after my divorce. However, I consistently find that my biggest transformations come when I allow myself to surrender to the process and to the Universe. Whenever I feel like I want to strong arm my situation and control it in every single way, the Universe has a special way of reminding me that I am not in control. I can certainly do what is nourishing, and honor my body, mind and spirit. But when it comes down to it, the Universe is orchestrating this beautiful, well planned journey. I am just along for the ride, breathing it all in.