Dating After Divorce…The Three Year Rule

Almost five years ago when my marriage was ending, my top priority was helping my children transition through our changing family structure in the healthiest way possible. I was determined to make sure their needs for safety, security and stability were filled and unwavering. Nowhere in my plan for assuring a stable environment, did it involve dating. Much to my surprise, a tall, dark, handsome, and wonderful gentleman called on me exactly a year to the date after my previous life turned upside down. From the moment we first spoke, we connected instantly on every level. He was traveling that week, so we spoke on the phone for countless hours during the day and night. I felt like a teenage girl dating for the very first time. When we had our first official date, I had butterflies in my stomach. I couldn’t manage to do anything else that day except prepare for my date that evening. There was excitement in the air!

Over the next few weeks, I had many conversations with my very best friend in the world, my sister-in-law, who strongly advised that I adhere to the “Three Year Rule”. Considering I had four young children and he had three young children, I had no intention of rushing into anything, but I was happy that we had set the boundaries of the three year rule early on.

What exactly is the “Three Year Rule?” Three years is how long I must be in a relationship before considering any long-term plans such as moving in together, getting engaged, talking about marriage seriously and making any financial decisions together. It is the “getting to know you” period of a potentially second marriage.

The pattern of relationships is fairly predictable. The first year is all hearts, roses, and butterflies. He is perfect, she is perfect. Everything the other person says is hilarious, and the other is overwhelmingly charming. You love the sound of his breath and the sound of him chewing his food. Dating in the first year is light-hearted, full of many date nights, lots of hand holding and plenty of affection. It’s the honeymoon period, and how wonderful it all feels. The sky is the limit, and there is nothing you two can’t do together. The feelings are so powerful, that you might think that love will help mesh two families together and that love will rule over the household with happy endings for all. It’s so wonderfully amazing.

Then comes the second year. You start to hit some bumps in the road. Maybe you discover parenting styles are different, or maybe they are consistent. You start to come across differences in communication styles or conflict resolution. Past conditioning and triggers from previous relationships start to rear their heads. Real issues come to light as each individual continues to process the hurts from his or her previous marriage. Fears start to emerge in each other as they witness the fear, conditioned responses, and differences…..and each wonders if this is how it is going to be. Anything is a potential red flag, and sometimes it’s confusing. Either you continue to like the sound of the other’s breath, or now it is driving you crazy. Each person, so adamant about not reliving another unfulfilling marriage, is bound and determined to seek perfection. This can be tough. There can be lots of ups and downs. What is most powerful about this second year is how you work through the challenges. Constant communication and a commitment to choose love will facilitate growth. This is a wonderful time to continue to sit back and continue to take one day at a time. There are many opportunities to learn what you want and what you don’t want. You learn what you will tolerate and what is absolutely not tolerable.

The third year is the year where you really settle in. You can envision this other person a part of your life. You have figured out what works and what doesn’t work. You have determined if you can navigate through life and through the bumps in the road together, and if you can do it with relative ease. You have had countless opportunities to choose love, and now you don’t even question it. It is unspoken. It is just there…always. You like the sound of the other’s breath, because it represents life. It represents his or her willingness to walk through this glorious life with you, side by side. You have worked through the tough stuff, and now you can talk long-term, knowing that you will work through anything that comes your way. You are confident that what you see is what you get, and you like what you see.

I have been together with my darling for over 3 ½ years now, and I am so thankful for my commitment to the three year rule. I have witnessed many couples divorce, find someone new, and remarry within a very short time. They say children are resilient and will adjust. A few years later, that marriage ends, and the children, again, find themselves adjusting to their continuing, unstable environment. While children may not speak up, this shapes their view of family, of marriage, and about stability. It can shake their foundation as they are continually a part of unhealthy, conflict ridden relationships.

The three year rule allowed me to think clearly, consider my children, and consider what my short and long-term goals are. It allowed me to get past the honeymoon period before making any potentially life changing decisions and changing the structure of home life for my children. The merging of two separate families plays a large role in the overwhelming divorce rate for second marriages. I have decided that I want my incredible man in my life for the duration, and each of us taking the time to raise our families separately is the key for us. He is the love of my life, and I know it and feel it in every cell of my body. Adhering to the three year rule has allowed each of us to fully examine, live, evaluate, and know what we want in life with no external or internal pressure of living together or getting married. It has allowed us to navigate through obstacles, grow individually, and grow together. It has allowed each of us the time to trust the other, work through our past hurts and resentments, and become vulnerable to the other, allowing our hearts to open wide. Any decisions we make from here on out are from the healthiest of perspectives, as we choose to love each other every single day.