Prior to being floxed (afflicted with fluoroquinolone toxicity), I viewed myself as a happy, joyful, optimistic, innocent, light-hearted, loving and active woman. I could more often than not, find a positive perspective to anything gone “wrong.” Any adversity that life handed me…I turned it around to help someone else with it….thus making it a positive. The number one thing (besides meditation) that I did for myself that kept me in this frame of mind, was exercise. It was my go to for any days that I DID happen to be stressed or down.
Within the first few weeks of realizing I had been floxed, I fell into a deep sea of hopelessness. As you know firsthand, life changes overnight. One minute you are hiking, biking, running around with your kids, and the next minute, you are curled up in a ball of pain crying yourself to sleep. I know. It was devastating. My way of life, as I knew it, seemed forever changed. And with very little information and hope on the internet at that time, I felt I had a dismal chance of recovering.
Even though I put everything I had into researching, detoxing, putting into my body what it needed to heal, changing my way of life…to support my healing process…the path was long and arduous. I choked down so many individual supplements, it felt like they were my meals. I drank concoctions of spices and herbs and greens that tasted terribly awful, just so I could get things into my body to help me with my brain fog, inflammation and nerve pain. These detox and rejuvenating supplements, foods and drinks were my mainstay. I felt like I was doing what I should be, yet my healing seemed slow.
At first, I thought using a wheelchair was a fabulous idea. I could at least get out of the house and continue to experience things. Of course I had to surrender to the fact that someone else was controlling where I went, when I went, and at what speed I went. This is a tough concept for a single, very independent woman. I started to enjoy the wheelchair rides, as my chauffer was adventurous and made me laugh during our excursions. But after a while, I got tired of being the passenger. As thankful as I wanted to be, I became resentful of my condition. I wanted to do things for myself and I couldn’t. When we would be out, I felt anxious in the wheelchair. Eventually, the anxiety became anger and then morphed into hopelessness and despair.
The same thing happened with other things in my life. The inability to shower without losing every ounce of energy I had mustered up was unbearable. I would wake up with a smile on my face to send my kids off to school and then crawl back up the steps and sleep the day away. I would set my alarm for about an hour before the kids came home so I could shower and pretend I had been up all day. My evening hours were filled with physical pain, emotional turmoil, and mental anguish. I worked very hard to mask how intense it was, for the sake of my children. Having their mom down for the count was tough, I am sure. The least I could do was put a smile on my face and feign an optimistic outlook on my condition. But at the end of every night, I would crawl upstairs, collapse into bed and sob. With each passing day, it felt like it was getting harder and harder to muster up the energy to keep the façade going.
If it wasn’t enough that I felt completely incompetent and useless, I also felt like my relationships with all of my friends and closest family were suffering. I disconnected from most, because I simply did not have the energy to talk about it. I didn’t feel like anyone really wanted to hear how bad it was (Clearly, in retrospect, I was wrong). No matter how much I explained what I was going through to my significant other, I felt distant. I felt unheard and misunderstood. After all, how could I put a smile on my face for my kids if things were really that bad? Anyone who is a mother knows just how we do it. As my relationships became disjointed and I withdrew further, I felt more and more alone.
Little things, like the lawn growing and me being unable to mow it made me angry, then immensely sad. I couldn’t mulch or pull weeds from my garden. I couldn’t tend to the swimming pool. Algae took over. I couldn’t stand long enough to prepare a meal for my kids. I needed them to help me do virtually everything. This was not the life I had envisioned for me, and certainly not for them. I could go on and on about all the intricacies of daily life that felt like they were holding me down and drowning me into a well of depression.
This depression lasted long after I started walking again and being able to take care of myself. While I had made huge strides in my physical abilities, I had many residual pains on any given day, depending on how much I exerted myself or if I slept in the wrong position. I felt like nobody understood, even when I tried to explain. Unless someone has been through this, they have no idea what it is like to live with this type of chronic pain. The pain migrates from day to day and differs in intensity. Sometimes it’s the muscle pain or joints, sometimes the nerves. Other times it is the incessant pounding headache from the noise and the lights. Or it is the feeling of complete overwhelm of the senses that makes it feel like your brain is going to literally explode. So even after I began walking, my depression lingered….I was left with a large emotional void and feelings of isolation. I know you get it. All of it.
Let’s fast forward a year and a half…
I remember the day I decided to pull myself out of this depression. I strongly believe in the mind-body connection and felt that as long as my mind was in a hopeless state of being, my body would remain right with it. Until I decided to heal my mind, my body would continue to choose to not heal itself. I also believe in the power to heal ourselves…by what we put into our minds, bodies and spirits. So what did I need to put into my mind to bring me out of this terrible place? Interestingly enough, I vowed, out loud, to stop being depressed and to make my life what it was meant to be. I know it sounds a little simplistic and silly. I told a counselor friend of mine what I had decided, and she wished me luck (I think sarcastically).
I started my healing by making a list of what I wanted in my life, how I wanted to feel, and what I wanted to accomplish. I came up with all sorts of things – I wanted to feel like I had a bright white light shining at my heart and radiating through my body. I wanted to feel like my spirit was completely lit up. I wanted to run again…a race…an event. I wanted to fill my life with healthy choices of foods. I wanted to always feel compassion towards others and be in a place of nonjudgment. I wanted to thrive with my children and be active and joyful with them. I wanted to be gentle with myself. I wanted to be fierce and strong. I wanted all the cells of my body to be in perfect order. I wanted to be pain free. I wanted to feel beautiful and vibrant again, inside and out. I wanted to share the music within me with the world. I wanted to leave a positive imprint on the lives of others. And I wanted to attract the perfect self-actualized, radiant, thoughtful, understanding, spiritual, WHOLE life mate. That’s quite an order… yet this is the exercise that literally started a domino effect and changed my life.
I gathered pictures from the internet that portrayed the feelings and desires I had listed. I bought a foam board and decorated it with pretty purple fabric and butterfly ribbon (the symbolic butterfly metamorphosis). I posted pictures of all of the things I wanted in my life on this board – my vision board. And then I mounted it next to my bed so I would see it every morning and every night. I kept my sights on it. I focused my awareness on it. I meditated (twice a day) after setting intentions for all of those things in my life.
Slowly but surely, as my focus continued on the positive things I wanted in my life, things began coming to fruition. I added to my daily regimen of what I was doing for myself to bring more joyful moments into my days. I practiced a lot of self-care, and still do. I started reaching back out to people and re-establishing connections. I can say that now, in current, day, I am almost all the way back to my optimistic, joyful, light-hearted self.
I know it’s not as simple as this blog post sounds. I know it’s a tough road. It didn’t happen overnight for me. I had to endure much pain and suffering to get to the point where I had had enough. When we decide we have had enough of being the victim to this terrible affliction, then and only then can we begin to heal our minds, bodies and spirits.
Regardless of where you are on your journey, I encourage you to start making a list of what you want to have show up in your life. Imagine it. Feel it. Smell it. Hear it. See it. Find photos that resonate with you for each of those things, and then make your own vision board. You have to know where you want to go in order to get there and this is a good starting point.
We are a community that needs support and encouragement. I would love to see your creations if you wish to share. Feel free to post pictures in the comments below. If you have ideas of what has worked for you to help lift your spirits, please feel free to share that as well. I am honored that you are here.
In love and healing light,
Sujata