As I struggled with the side effects that the ciprofloxacin had caused, I also struggled with how to navigate through the hours of my days. There were a few things I needed to do for sure. First, I needed to get out of bed and get ready for the day. It took a lot of extra time to accomplish that task. In the shower, I had difficulty opening the shampoo bottle. I could barely squeeze my shower scrubby. Between the myalgias (muscle pain), tendon pain, and nerve pain, everything I did was painful. However, most days, I adopted the motto that no matter how I was feeling on the inside, I needed to get up, get a shower, put makeup on, and put a smile on my face. I needed to get on with my day. I wasn’t successful with this on some days. Those were the days that I simply could not physically lift my body out of my bed. I spent entire days in bed and in immense pain. I would set an alarm for 2:15pm, so I could hurry and shower and make myself presentable for my children when they returned home from school. I wanted to shield them from the full impact of all that I was feeling. I still sometimes encounter days like that, but the frequency is much less than a year ago. And my children may be on to me at this point. Little things like feeding four children became a large stressor and source of pain. Cooking and preparing nutritious meals is something I have always enjoyed. The pain took all the joy out of it, aside from the fact that I physically could not stand for more than a few minutes at a time. I handed off household responsibilities, delegating laundry, cleaning, dishes and yardwork. I had no choice but to let go of how I used to think things should be, and accepted whatever help came my way.
The second thing I needed to do for sure was attempt to grow my new business. This condition made it almost impossible to do that. At my yoga studio, I had a chair moved into my yoga space because I could not spend an hour standing. I could not lower myself down to the floor. If I did happen to get to the floor, I could not get myself up off the floor. I relied on my ability to talk people through a yoga class, giving detailed instructions on how to come into poses because I could not do a single pose, including sitting on the floor. I even had to stop helping my yogis relax their shoulders down while in relaxation pose, because it created excruciating pain in my wrists. (I am still working to bring this back!) I did my best, though, knowing that the yogis in my class needed me to serve them in whatever way I could. I am not going to lie. It was difficult for me. But it did give me a reason to get up in the morning and push myself.
I started noticing the muscles and tendons that I rarely paid attention to that help me do the most basic things. I could not walk up and down stairs. I crawled up the stairs and slowly slid down. I needed someone to open the lids to my supplement bottles and pour milk for me. If I happened to drop something on the floor, it was entirely too daunting to even think of picking it up. I remember wanting to go to the mall with my oldest daughter, Sonia, to have some “normal” time. I walked between the most patient and loving Nick and Sonia, my arms around them, as they basically carried me as slowly as possible through the mall. Sometimes my mind is more hopeful than realistic. It was painful for me, and may have been the pivotal point for me wanting to just stay home.
My every thought was consumed with my condition, my recovery, anything I could do to improve, how this could impact my life with my children and my future grandchildren, how I was going to financially support myself, and on and on. I scoured the internet, medical journals and research articles for anything and everything that could help me. Needless to say, all of my conversations with my loved ones centered around this one topic. Many of my nights were still filled with feelings of devastation, frustration, pity parties, and tears.
The pain was unbearable. It was, and still sometimes is, a pain that I cannot accurately describe. Some of my colleagues and friends suggested using medications to help with the pain. Yet I had read an article which indicated that anti-inflammatory medications could make the adverse effects of the medication worse. I had also read that taking any sort of steroid to decrease inflammation could increase the likelihood of actually rupturing a tendon. From where I was physically and emotionally, I simply did not want to take anything synthetic to mask the pain, make things worse, or create new side effects. I was not going to poison my body further with more medications. Because of this conscious decision, I left myself with relatively few options for pain relief.
This brings me to one of my biggest blessings: my meditation practice. I have been practicing meditation for many years. I have used it to navigate through my divorce, through the death of a close friend, to help me focus, gain clarity, access creativity, and to connect with my wholeness. I have used meditation to guide me as a single mother of four children through parenting decisions as well as to guide me through my ever evolving relationship with Nick. I have used meditation to facilitate manifesting my intentions and desires, and to calm myself in times of turbulence and chaos. I have used meditation to connect to a place of stillness and silence that is pure and powerful. I have accessed greater intuition, knowingness, and connections to everything around me. My daily meditation practice has been one of the most important and transformative things in my life. And while I have known the emotional and physiological benefits of meditation for years, I did not realize the impact my practice would have on helping me manage the physical pain of my condition.
I remember the first time I connected to my meditation to help soothe my pain. I was lying in a fetal position on a chair in my family room, crying silent tears. I was in immense, excruciating pain. It felt like every nerve impulse was firing, and all my muscles were throbbing. Wrapped in wrist and ankle braces to minimize the pain from tendonitis, I was lying still to do whatever I could to not create more intense pain. The pain was so unbearable that in a brief moment of desperation, all I could do was connect with my Ujjayi breath and start repeating my mantra. I started to focus on the rise and fall of my belly, the sound of the ocean in my breath, and my mantra to take my attention away from all of the fear in my mind and sensations in my body. After a few short minutes, my attention started drifting away from my pain, making my existence more bearable. I was on to something! It was working. For the duration of that meditation, my pain subsided and I even fell asleep for a few moments.
I am so grateful for that moment of desperation where all I could do was breathe and repeat my mantra. It saved me by giving me a reprieve from the pain that made me want to scream and pull out all of my hair. Oftentimes, during the time surrounding the first several weeks, my meditation lulled me into sleep, which was just what my body and mind needed.
I knew others had used meditation as a means to manage pain, but had not had the opportunity to do so until now. I truly believe that I would not be able to speak as strongly about meditation for pain management had I not experienced the drastic improvements myself. I also believe that I would not have been able to navigate through my toughest days and nights without the benefit of my meditation practice. My meditation practice not only helped manage my pain, but it also helped me move through the fear, anxiety, frustration and the questions of, “WHY ME?!” that plagued my mind.
For those suffering with chronic pain at all hours of the day and night, it becomes a very isolating existence. Nobody can possibly understand what goes on in our bodies and minds. Many of us revisit what we might have done in a previous life to deserve this. Or we ask ourselves why our life has to be so hard. On days when the pain intensifies, we wonder why we cannot catch a break. I understand that now. I also understand that it is an absolutely amazing feeling to have a break from the pain and from the fear and anxiety for any period of time. I am forever grateful for the blessing of my meditation practice for helping me achieve this. All this without an ounce of pain medications, anti-inflammatories or steroids. It all comes from within. THIS was something I could do for myself that no one else could do for me. THIS felt empowering to me. And so it goes.