The path to recovery from fluoroquinolone toxicity tends to be a few steps forward, a few steps back. Sometimes we make huge gains and little steps back, and other times it is the other way around. I encounter this with my clients on a daily basis, and I consistently support them through the ups and downs of healing. I have been on my recovery path since July of 2014. I have had my share of setbacks, but I have been sitting pretty for a few years now. So it’s easy to forget how devastating it feels when symptoms start to come back, and all the things that the mind goes through in those moments. However, a few days ago I started having familiar aches and pains, and I remembered vividly, how this back and forth process can feel.
What led to my setback? I took an overseas trip to India in December/January. I was concerned about the level of pollution I would encounter, and how much it would impact my body. I did whatever I could to prepare my body as well as protect my body while I was there. But there is only so much you can do when you have to breathe in the air. There were unexpected pollutants, such as burning plastics, that I hadn’t planned on. I found myself rationing my supplements, to get all of us a little bit to protect our bodies. As with anything, when you are sitting on the threshold between health and disease, it doesn’t necessarily take a lot of re-exposure to toxins to produce symptoms.
One of my personal tell-tale signs of toxicity is that my blood sugars sky-rocket whenever there is any sort of damage or inflammation to my body. My liver clogs up and everything goes awry. When I returned from my trip, I found that my fasting blood sugars were nearing 190. It has been difficult reducing them, so I started a natural supplement that promised to help lower my blood sugars. Within 2 days of starting that supplement, I started to feel the all too familiar nerve pain, neuropathies, joint pain, muscle pains, and tendon inflammation. I stopped the supplement on day 3 and by day 4, as the intensity continued to increase, I was taken right back to the initial trauma four years ago when my life changed overnight.
As I type this blog post, I am feeling what most of my clients feels when they have a resurgence of a symptom, a set-back, a trigger to the initial, devastating, life changing events of fluoroquinolone poisoning. Being able to identify with this years later, I wanted to take some time out to talk about where our minds go and how to reign them back in.
A trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. A trauma is life changing. This can be applied to various situations such as divorce, death, witnessing a violent act, rape, infidelity…and of course the effects of being poisoned by fluoroquinolones. We’ve all heard of PTSD, which is Post traumatic stress disorder. When someone has experienced a trauma, it is possible that months and years later, triggers, or reminders of the traumatic event can take our minds and bodies right back to the moment of the event. When we experience this, it can feel like we are right back there, in the throes of the initial event, and it can leave up feeling helpless, alone and incapacitated. This is quite often what happens with clients, myself included, especially over these past few days.
Many have heard about the strong mind-body connection. What happens in our minds shows up in our bodies. Where focus goes, energy grows. When we focus attention and energy to the debilitating side effects of fluoroquinolones, those side effects are at the forefront of our mind, and our bodies respond. Our bodies respond by creating more of whatever symptoms we are aware of. When we experience a trigger, our bodies respond with copious amounts of stress hormones, which in and of themselves can cause further damage to the cells of our bodies. This is the opposite of what we want.
So what happens and how can we soften the blow to our minds and bodies? Initially, maybe you feel a twinge of something that reminds you of the early symptoms of your toxicity. Immediately, your mind begins to wonder….”Is this something that is going to progress into full blown toxic symptoms? Am I sliding back to stage one? Is this permanent?!” And this is the part that gets you. “IS THIS PERMANENT?” Will you ever get your life back? Will you ever get to enjoy the things you used to enjoy?
For me, my mind went to…”I have been loving my life, my energy levels, my ability to move and walk pain free….why NOW? I cannot lose what I have gained. And why can’t I catch a break? I have worked so hard. How am I supposed to help others heal when I am having a setback? What if this progresses back to how it was when I couldn’t walk, and how in the world will I do life?” My mind took me back to the days when I would push myself as much as I could for the sake of my children and then crawl into bed and roll up in a fetal position and just sob. When my mind went there the other night, a flood of emotions came out and I felt helpless. This is what happens.
This is what my clients describe to me. The anxiety, the fear of the unknown, the loneliness and the desperation. The next step for my clients tends to be going to message boards and looking for anything and everything to help them out of this potential downward spiral. They want someone to identify with, share misery with, and maybe gain some hope. Unfortunately, many message boards are filled with stories of continued devastation. While it can be beneficial to find support with people who have been there, there is a fine line between support and people anchoring you down in the misery of it. If you are prone to anxiety and unable to ground your mind easily, I might encourage you to steer clear of the message boards and people who keep you anchored down.
Ok, so you’ve experienced a trigger and your mind and body are full out reacting to it. I get it. I was there a few days ago. It happens. How do you reign yourself back in? How do you settle your mind and come back to a hopeful, positive, healthy frame of mind?
First of all, it is okay to allow the tears to flow. You suffered a major life changing event, and grief can continue to show up. Maybe the trigger is appearing because you still have some grieving to do. Maybe you need to let those tears flow to release the months or years of what you’ve been holding in. Sometimes we don’t know how much we have been holding in until something as little as a straw gets laid upon us and we break down. It’s okay. Take some time and allow yourself time to grieve whatever it is you lost. BUT please don’t get stuck here. It is healthy to feel your feelings. Do it with the intention of allowing it to flow, then turning it around.
I let the tears flow, and as they were flowing, I was thinking to myself, “Wow. I still have some deep, painful emotions about the whole thing. I must need to release this.” And somewhere in there, as I was releasing, I also thought about how I was not going to be the victim of this and that this release would help me ultimately step back into my power. I would be able to gain something from this. And even through this, I continued to cry. So let it flow.
Then, when it’s out there, breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Do your best to connect to your thinking brain. The part of your brain that tells you that this is temporary. Ground yourself. Take your shoes off and walk outside. Feel the ground underneath your feet. This is where mindfulness can play a very large role. Mindfulness is about focusing on your thoughts, feelings and sensations with openness and without judgment. This is a great way to disconnect with the emotional charge that comes along with thinking you are having a permanent setback, and allowing yourself to experience whatever is going on….again without judgment. It is the judgement of the situation that creates the anxiety and depression. So get mindful at this point. Just notice what is happening in your body….without judgment, without analysis….and start to reconnect with your confidence that you can and will recover from this. This is temporary. Keep telling yourself that. This is temporary.
Once you have connected back to your thinking brain, retrace your steps. Is there something that you did differently over the past few weeks or months? Since you were feeling so good, did you relax on the clean eating? Did you over do it with daily activity or push yourself a little more during a workout? Have other stressors shown up in your life that are taxing your system, and maybe you need to focus on replenishing? Have you been lacking sleep and therefor giving your body less time to recover and rejuvenate from the daily stresses of life? Any stressor can deplete your body of the necessary nutrients that keep you at that line between feeling well and feeling “not well.” Do a thorough assessment of what your life has looked like recently and figure out what is different. Once you identify that, step back into your power and do what you need to do to get back on track.
I know it can be difficult to step into your thinking brain and work through the potential causes of your setback, especially when the emotions start to flow. It is scary as hell to think you will lose your life as you know it again. Most of my clients will connect back with me so I can validate their feelings, then help them get back into their thinking brain, walk them through the questions, identify what might have triggered the setback, and advise them of the next best steps to get back on track.
To recap, what can you do to reign yourself back in when something triggers a physical and/or mindset change?
- Feel your feelings. Notice what comes up for you. Own them. Grieve what you feel you have lost. Release what needs released. If you have a strong support system that helps elevate you, reach out to them. Avoid the temptation to commiserate with those who will keep you anchored in your fear.
- Breathe.
- Get back into your thinking brain. Get outside, ground yourself, breathe, connect to mindfulness.
- Repeat to yourself, “This is temporary. This is temporary. This is temporary.” As much and as often as you need to.
- Retrace your steps. Figure out what you have done differently in recent days that could be taxing your system.
- Step back into your power and take the next best step towards healing.
In love and light,
Sujata