Last summer started out amazingly. I took all four of my children out West to explore Utah and visit college campuses. During that trip, we had the opportunity to go to Moab, Utah and to various National Parks within that area. We did a lot of climbing mountains, racing from one natural phenomenon to another, and hiking. It was the first vacation that I actually lost weight on because of all the physical activity. It was a phenomenal trip. I felt absolutely empowered, traveling as a single mom with four children across the country and exploring everything from the desert to the mountaintops. I remember a special feeling of pride within myself as I hiked up one particular mountain with my sons on our last day. Physically, I felt strong. Emotionally, I was on top of the world. And spiritually, I felt incredibly connected with the Universe. I felt like I was riding the wave.
Shortly after the Utah trip, my oldest daughter and I traveled the Midwest, visiting more campuses. We drove nearly 2000 miles over 4 days and walked countless campuses. We had an absolute blast together, driving, singing, eating, exploring, and connecting with each other. I felt like it was a wonderful bonding trip with my little girl. During this trip, I began taking an antibiotic for a urinary tract infection. I typically use natural remedies for anything and everything, but those remedies were not cutting it. And I have allergies to the other antibiotics that would typically be prescribed, so I gave in and started a 7 day course of this particular antibiotic.
On Monday, July 21, 2014, just like any other day, I had an evening yoga class to teach. As I made my way into table top to demonstrate the six directions of the spine, I noticed significant pain in both of my wrists. I kept pushing through, going through some of the motions, but holding back because of the pain. Downward dog, plank, cobra, and anything that involved the use of my hands created significant pain in my wrists. It truly perplexed me because up until now, I felt like a rock star with my personal yoga practice. Later that evening, I spoke with my love, Nick. He was on vacation with his sons and had crashed on a skateboard and landed on his hands, hurting his wrists. You couldn’t imagine my excitement about this. I truly believe in the power of connection, energy, feeling other’s pains emotionally and physically, and signs from the Universe. My response to Nick was, “Oh my gosh! We are so connected! I am feeling the pain of your wrists!” For those of you who know me well, you know it was a high pitched, ecstatic, enthusiastic response. Nick was impressed with our connection as well. From the beginning of our relationship, it has been a crazy amazing soul connection, so this was nothing new.
Through the course of the next few days, I truly believed I was feeling Nick’s pain and wore a huge smile just thinking about it. I adjusted my yoga classes, showing my yogis how to make variations when something like their wrists are no longer usable. I created a whole new sequence specifically not placing any weight on our wrists. I impressed myself with my creativity and ability to adjust to whatever life handed me in those moments. However, by day 5 ½ of my antibiotic, my pharmacist brain kicked in, squashing the illusion that I was so connected to Nick that I was feeling his injury. Hind sight has me remembering that during the drive to the Midwest colleges, I had noticed a twinge in the tendon of my right elbow. It seemed odd, because I was so strong at that point. My yoga practice was in full swing and I was well conditioned cardiovascularly. I disregarded the pain as something I must have done and didn’t remember doing.
Here’s a little background about the antibiotic, I was taking. I was taking an antibiotic called ciprofloxacin, which is in a class of drugs known as fluoroquinolones. The FDA has mandated the black box warning for this class of drugs, which is it’s sternest warning regarding the safety of the antibiotic. In a nutshell, this particular black box warning states that there is a risk of tendonitis and tendon rupture in some people who take the class of drugs known as fluoroquinolones. It outlines that the risk is greatest in individuals over the age of 60 taking corticosteroids and in those who have undergone heart, lung or kidney transplants. It is also more common in those with kidney impairment. I do not fit the description of any of those who are at high risk, which is why I didn’t think it would or could happen to me. However, as soon as I made the connection of my symptoms with the antibiotic, I discontinued using the antibiotic and hoped that the progression of adverse effects would be minimized and quickly reversed. I thought that flushing the antibiotic out of my system would allow me to return back to normal within a week and that the tendonitis would resolve just like any other tendonitis, with rest.
I waited. And I waited. As the days passed, my symptoms did not improve. Rather, they worsened. The pain migrated to my right shoulder. It was so intense that I could not lift my right arm, could not sleep on that side, and it just throbbed throughout the day and night. Next came my Achilles tendons. Both of them. I noticed them when I tried to go for a walk around the block and could not flex my feet to take steps. I walked flat footed, holding on to my love, all the way back home. After that, the tendon pain migrated to the insertion points of my biceps, hamstrings, both of my calves, my hips, and my left shoulder. The tendonitis continued, and then the myalgias (muscle pain) started. Every muscle, every moment of the day and night. Next came the neuropathies. The nerve pain radiated down both of my legs and both of my arms. My feet felt like they were on fire. Nerve pain on top of muscle pain, on top of tendon pain. I slept with pillows surrounding me on all sides, propping up various body parts to minimize nerve and muscle pain. I wore wrist braces and ankle braces all day and all night just to make the pain more bearable. When I say “slept”, I use the term very loosely. Any pressure on any portion of my body created more pain. Needless to say, when sleeping, there is pressure on some part of the body. I would try to rotate, giving each part of my body a break from the pain, and prayed that I would pass out from the exhaustion from lack of sleep. My mental acuity began to suffer. Some call it brain fog. I noticed a marked decline in my cognitive ability and my ability to concentrate and focus. I started mixing up words, not being able to think of what things were called. I couldn’t do simple math problems. I couldn’t think of what the elbow was called. I kept calling it an ankle, and even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn’t figure out the correct word. I became easily confused. One day, as I was working a few hours at a pharmacy, I got confused and did not know what I was doing. I was looking down at a prescription that I was supposed to check, and I had no idea what was going on. I have always been an incredible multi-tasker, and I graduated second in my class in pharmacy school. I am quick, sharp and accurate. This was NOT normal for me!
I was in so much pain that I started to say no to invitations to go out of the home. It was becoming more difficult for me to run to the store for a quick gallon of milk. The task of walking to the back of any store to buy anything was daunting and took more effort than I could bear. Saying no to invitations out of the home and being in chronic pain does not tend to help build a relationship when dating. I worried about what this would do to my relationship with Nick. One Friday evening, I was out to dinner with Nick, and my fingers and hands started to cramp up. I couldn’t hold onto a fork. My chest and back started cramping. I focused on taking deep breaths and fought back my tears. I hadn’t discussed with Nick, the extent of symptoms I was feeling and how scared I was. Nick drove me home and I asked him to massage my legs and arms before he left. It helped with the pain, but I truly thought I was going to die alone that night.
I don’t know why I didn’t discuss this with Nick. I suppose I didn’t want to appear weak and didn’t want to burden him with my aches and pains. It seems silly now, but I suppose at the time it made sense to me. That was the first night I cried myself to sleep, thinking that my life had been forever changed. How could I have been so vibrant two short weeks prior to this, and now I was lying in my bed, writhing in pain, unable to do basically anything for myself? How would I be able to care for my children and do the things with them and for them that they so deserve from me? Why now, when I just started pursuing my dream of owning a meditation and yoga studio and a health and wellness consultant business? And why now, when I had found the love of my life who is vibrant, active and fun loving? There was no way that I could possibly keep up with any of my loved ones, let alone put energy into a relationship. This touched on deep emotional wounds and insecurities that surfaced when my ex-husband changed his mind about being married to me, which I may discuss in future blogs.
I felt lost. I felt less than enough. I felt like the Universe had betrayed me. I felt like every time I start to feel empowered and strong and content with all the aspects of my life, the Universe yanks the rug out from under my feet. It seemed so unfair. I always go out of my way to help others, do my best for my children, spread love and joy, and do the right thing. How could I be being punished by the Universe in this way? While I knew I had grown so much from all the other adversity in my life, I couldn’t see the silver lining in this. I felt defeated and alone. And all I could think of was, “I want my mommy and daddy,” who happened to be on vacation when all this started.
Each night when I would collapse into my bed, out of earshot and sight from my children, I would let my guard down and sob. The pain was unbearable, and the emotional strength that I needed to stay strong and hopeful for my children took all of my energy. My mind would start thinking about the realities of this condition and how my life would never be the same. I spoke candidly with my children, asking them for help. A slight wrong move could rupture a tendon. The nerve pain didn’t allow me to function. The tendon pain and muscle pain robbed my previously strong body of all its strength and ability to do for myself. I was no longer the independent, empowered woman I worked so hard to become. I sat down with Nick and discussed with him, the real possibility that this could be permanent. As hard as it was for me, I told him that if it was permanent, I wanted him to go find someone else with whom to share his life. This would be too much to handle when he has so much life ahead of him. For a short time, I saw no end in sight, and allowed myself to have pity parties in the confines of my bedroom. I prepared myself to walk through this alone.
In the meantime, my research oriented pharmacist brain researched nonstop, on how to reverse the adverse effects of fluoroquinolone toxicity. I found nothing but message boards of countless people talking about how this toxicity incapacitated them and devastated their lives. Emotionally, I was spent with not being able to find answers and cures. There was nothing anywhere! I am a pharmacist, and biochemistry is my strong suit. I spoke with fellow pharmacists. They had nothing except more drug therapy recommendations. Considering the fact that a synthetic pharmaceutical drug caused my impairment, I was not going to use another medication to mask symptoms and possibly make things worse.
That’s how it all started.
All things considered, through the first few weeks of this condition, I am convinced that I have a strong will and that I draw incredible strength from my children. Through the excruciating pain and tear-filled nights, I was determined to find answers and reclaim my life. If nothing else…for my children. And so it continues…..